the heart has a mind of its own

i am of a superior race, different than that of which i was born of. even though i am a malay, i am one of greater superiority and capabilities over others. it is them that taint the society i live in, and it is them that brought harm to my family, my friends, my loved ones. i will, with all my power, remove them and create a new society, ride of this plague of traditionalist thinking and propel this new race into the future. a new world order. a perfect society.

come join me. we shall do this together.

success doesn't come cheap, not does it fall like rain from the sky. you have to go up to the clouds and squeeze it out.

success is built from dreams and ambitions. and those without dreams or ambitions find it hard for success to come their way. as i look around, i see many people who don't bother reaching for success. for reasons unknown. probably they are worn out or simply tired. or maybe they prefer living in their own little box, a box where they know nothing can harm them, a box where they know they'll be comfortable and safe. nothing can harm me if i don't do anything. oh really?

failure is always an option. a quote that i got from adam savage. indeed. in life, we fail at many things. and from failure we will all learn and improve. that was how many of today's innovations came about. that is how many of today's great businesses remain standing. that is great leaders live their day by.

indeed, mistakes are costly. but at what price shall it be deemed costly? maybe stupid mistakes are costly. but other than that, the cost of learning from our mistakes is never too costly. as i looked back at my past yet again, i single out all my mistakes. not one of them seem costly now, because i have learnt something from them and made myself a better person.

so what if i was in a gang before? i managed to get out of it, and altered the course of my life. so what if i made the decision to let go of someone in my life? i am now able to plan out a future that i've always aimed for. so what if i had decided to cut back on my education and forgone my honours? i'll be able to attain my masters and had an extra year of value added experience.

it is all in the choices we make. you stand still and you'll end up moving backwards. life is not any ordinary game. if you lapse out, its game over.

as i lay to waste, i begin reminiscing. not always a good thing, but sometimes, it can do wonders for the soul and for the mind. i looked back at my past and scrutinised the decisions that i've made. i delved even further to trace my actions as a child. then i stopped. i began looking into the future, many years from now, looking at what i would become.

i'm doing this for my family, my parents. my dreams are too big to be contained within the confines of the human mind. it is always bursting out from the cracks and crevices of my mental capacity. yes i dream, i dream big. and i'll make those clouds concrete.

i'm taking it one step at a time. i burn the bridges to my past as the first thing on my agenda. emotions, in my opinion, are like stone weights tied to your legs. they'll only slow you down. and when you move too slowly and see others move past, you panic, and your judgement is being clouded. and so my past, as they say, is in the history books.

next up is prioritising. i've dropped some added weight and began focusing. creating a personal niche that others won't seem to have. i'm focusing on my papers, my ticket to the gates of the future. this will be my leverage, my weapon of choice.

right now, things are right on track. and i will stop for no one.

people say i'm proud, but i am never one to deny it. this is me.

one year? has it already been that long? i can't believe it. still you turn the other way. i can't believe i'm still doing all these. what is it about you then? i am so wasted. right now, i'm sinking into nothing.

there's just something about you that i can't really say or describe. i guess it was your innocence, your vulnerability, your helplessness, or that you always needed someone to depend on.

i told a friend once that if you forget about someone, it'll be much easier. indeed. but sometimes, forgetting is hard.

ever since i watched wicker park, i fell in love with the song 'strange and beautiful' by aqualung. a simple and casual song, yet filled deep with meaning and emotions. you can almost picture a black and white setting, with snow and sun.

i keep telling myself, that i have 2 years left before i graduate. i don't want to succumb to the full 4 years of education just to get my honours. i think 3 years is more than enough for me. i may lack in terms of paper qualifications since i am not doing my honours, but what i excel in is hands on application of what others may have learnt. safe to say, been there, done that.

2 years is a long time, and i am certainly looking forwards to the end of my second year. then it'll be full steam ahead for the final stretch and eventually, out to the working world.

i don't think its a big of a deal stepping into the working world. honestly, i've had many jobs before so getting another one feels like nothing big to me. though i would like to work in a big financial institution, i have a feeling i'd be taking the risk and insurance path working in either underwriting or risk management (the latter sounds much more tantalising).

once again, i play the song all over again. each time the key of the piano is struck, my mind is taken back, a step at a time.

i took a deep breath as i stepped out of my house. it was the smell of rain. lovely. i've always loved the rain. the air is cool and calm. the pitter patter of the raindrops beating the ground. and as i did that, i was taken back down memory lane.

i was reminiscing about the time when i used to sit down at starbucks, sipping my favourite cuppa, smoking and reading a book. all that while it rained, or that it had stopped raining. wonderful carefree days.

i'm not feeling too good for the past few days. nauseous.

maybe i'll get some fresh air.

i got a strange sms today. from an unknown number. it read "hey how are you.....are you feeling better"

that's all.

kinda strange. i called belle, thinking that she may have smsed me with another phone cos her phone died or something. can't be baby too cos she wont leave me guessing. i can only guess... and to be honest, not many people i know start their next word right after the full stop. i am one of them.

oh well. i just got a freelance job that i've always wanted. photography! yes even though i only take photos of buildings, well its a start.

it is amazing how time flies when you least expect it. sometimes i think that even a week can fly past you in no time. then a year zips past you in a flash. i was looking at my t-shirt that i got during my freshman orientation camp, and boy, has it already been almost a year. 2 semesters down, and 4 more to go. now if i think of it in this way, it seems like a long way. but i guess come next may, i will look back and say, "wow, i'm going on to my final year already!"

yes, i've decided to drop out of school without my honours. a degree would suffice. i can't bear to stay in school any longer. being a student severely restricts my potential.

i'm a forward looking person. i look back at times, only to move myself forwards. from my past failures to my past breakups, nothing gets in my way. i'm glad that things turned out the way it did. though i must say my life was like living under water for the past few months (always trying to gasp for air), right now, i'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

no it's not the light from outside, but it is the light from the oncoming train that is here to take me forwards. so don't be stupid and walk on the tracks. it is just like leaving your life up to your so called fate or destiny (i.e. the tracks). start now, hijack the damned train and go to the next stop where you can hijack a taxi and go anywhere you want!

everytime i see our picture on my phone, it makes me miss you even more. though i know that we've just seen each other not too long ago, but days seem like weeks and months seem like years. is this that mushy feeling called love? a feeling that i've never been able to feel for a long time now.

but i must say, love is more than just a feeling. it is complicated. in fact, we should scrape that word off the dictionary. you say that you love someone, but another person has a different expectation of what love it. weird.

i'm in those dreamy moods and yeah, thinking of a lot of stuff. bogged down by work, cant see my baby. hopefully i can settle my stuff, and spend some well deserved quality time with her.

baby if you are reading this, i'm telling the whole world that i love you.

things are getting much better right now. the storm has calmed down and my mind is much more at peace with my heart. i'm looking into the future, my future, and our future. and i hope all will be well. wait, i never hope for anything. i know it will be great.

baby you are my dear, and you will be my dear, because i want you to be my dear :)

you were right. love is such a fragile thing. our hearts can easily sway like branches in the wind. we are after all, human.

i should be happy for you, very happy that you have found a replacement me. and that i am no longer relevant to you. well done. so much for your morals and ethics. better person? i don't think so. honestly, you are still as naive and gullible as ever. being played, toyed and used. that was the reason i sheltered you.

i guess you have to learn to walk on your own two feet. i hope you fall. that's the only way you'd learn.

friends are truly people who colour your life. they are like unexposed film strips that changes when you meet them, and they will forever stay in your memory.

some of us chose to hang on to them, while others discard them as soon as they are long gone.

i used to once discard my close friends, because of her. i don't blame her. it was my own doing. i wanted to be there for her, always, up to a point where i completely left all my friends behind just for her. now, more than ever, i felt that that shouldn't be the way. obviously.

i am deeply thankful, that my friends do remember me, and that i still do remember them. i cherish all our times together, and may we all stay friends for life. literally, till death do us part!

i can't seem to shake thailand out of my head. maybe if i can get a neurosurgeon he could probably take it out for me!

but again, i just must share with the world how wonderful life in thailand was, even though it was just a short stint. people are happy, they stay up late to sell their noodles and fried grasshoppers, and they smile back at you when you smile at them! a great place to frequent, and i am certainly going to go back there again...

i guess the getaway from the hustle and bustle made it felt great. i didn't have to care about studies, work or money. unlike in singapore where life is always life a pill shoved in your asshole. simple put it: can be quite a pain in the anus.

life is good when you can wake up at any time you like in the morning. life is good when you get to move around and not care about what you have to do next. life is good when you can get home late after a few drinks, knowing that your pockets don't have holes in them.

it is past noon now, and i'm thinking of work. i have to go down to office real soon and honestly speaking, i dread going down to office. i hate being told what to do and how to do things. i am not stupid.

i truly believe that i am a changed person. not being overly emo or anything. but yeah, i am a changed person.

one skill that i've learnt was to separate my emotions from myself and take a step back in life. like a third person's view. ever since that incident, i can't go back to who i was.

i really can't believe how nasty you could be towards me. probably it was just you, and how you are and have been. but if it were up to me, the only person i would be kind to is you. and i bet you don't know that.

well anyways, i am a bad person. not being overly emo or anything. but yes, i am evil.

i have a few people in mind that i want to suffer. my boss doesn't know it yet, neither does my manager. i'm always one step ahead of them! funny how he thought he could manipulate me!